The Agonies of a Creative Mind

Latest From Texas

2004-07-31T15:56:00.000-05:00

Dork Update?

Dad (aka The Dork) called the police yesterday.
He claimed that I was not allowing son to have any contact with him and would they come check on son, and file any reports with CYS that might be neccessary.
He claimed that he has been calling son on a daily basis and calls are not being answered, nor messages returned.
He told then he was concerned for son's welfare.
(dad lives in TX, son here in PA)

Well.... the police had a nice talk with son, and left rather peeved at Dad for filing a false report.
Seems as if Dad omitted to tell police that son is the one refusing to talk with him, and that son is emailing dad, but dad is not responding to son's emails.
Son showed the police his phone, where it showed the last time dad had actually tried to call, which was the 16th.
Son offered to show police the emails he has written to dad, to which dad is not responding to.
And. . . son is almost 19 and can talk to he wants, when he wants.
Police agreed that I have nothing to do with this.
Son can make his own decisions.
He simply does not want to talk with dad.
He is angry with dad
It happens.

After the police left, fully satisfied that son is fine, and in no danger, and doing well..... son flipped out.
Son called our attorney, who strongly suggests calling the state attorney generals office in texas and filing a report as to what dad did.
(sigh)

If interested in the history of this mess , see previous post
Update

I can't believe he called the police.
Another odd thing, some of dad's family is less than 2 hours from here, and if he was really concerned, or if the family is, as he has stated, why havn't they called or driven up to 'check-up' on son???
Chit, no one from dad's family has even acknowledged son's graduation from High School...

And it is my son who is the one who is getting hurt out of all of this mess.

Are We That Stupid?

2004-07-30T09:58:00.000-05:00

Last night I was deleting some spam from my other email account.
As I was wading thru the spam, a subject line caught my eye.
It was from someone named Rose Something-or-other, and she wanted to introduce herself to her readers.
So I skimmed it.

Oh My Stars!
What a sad life this woman has led. (coff)(coff)
Seems as if she is finally being forced out of her country, where-ever that is, by her government, for political reasons. (Uh huh)
Over the years she and her family have saved a considerable fortune and are in fear that the government will confiscate it from them before they leave. (Uh huh)
So why the email?

Her request is this:
She wants the reader to forward personal banking information to her so she can temporairily deposit her 18million dollars for safe-keeping. (Uh huh)
Upon arriving to the United States, her destination, she will contact the reader so she can reclaim her money.(Uh huh)

Okay so let's just look at this.

Safe???
In MY account???
Like I wouldn't spend it........
I could certainly use some food and a new car or three
(I currently have low expectations)
And I could always come up with things to purchase with that sort of money.
Would NOT be a problem

Next,
I am going to rush right away and email a total stranger all my personal banking information, including my PIN# (Uh huh)
Do I really look THAT blonde???

This bit of spam is so full of crudbuckets, it is actually funny.
It did make for amusing reading tho.

Time for coffee
Later

G'nite

2004-07-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

you know you need sleep when you see this and find it really funny....

Just saying HI

Later.

its raining

2004-07-26T15:31:00.000-05:00

Update:
It's still raining.
Still Yuck.
(but I got alot done today with my library.)
Now I need to get 'young-son' to lift the boxes for me.

Monday AM:
Yuck
Its raining

Later

Its Beautiful Out!!!

2004-07-24T10:13:00.000-05:00

Its incredible out!
Hard to believe its July.
The past three weeks here have been so nice weather-wise.
I woke up around 6 and the sun was just starting to warm the flowers and the porch looked so inviting. . .
I had my coffee and my book out there for about 3 hours.
And its still wonderful out.
I put the food out for the critters and as I was on the porch, the birds and squirrels came right over and ate.
They didn't seem to care that I was there, eitehr that or they have come to realize that I supply the food and they know I wont hurt them.
Its really amazing to have dozens of birds, eating breakfast less than 3 feet from where you sit.
I will have to do yardwork today, simply to have an excuse to be outside.
This is the kind of morning that you are actually thankful to be alive, in spite of all the upheavel that might be going on in your life.
That bad stuff doesn't matter right now.
The sun is shining, God's in His Heaven and all is right with the world.
(Until the phone rings, that is.)

Headed back outside before the phone rings.
With coffee.
Later

Mind Ache

2004-07-21T21:25:00.000-05:00

Having a mind ache here.
Been working on my songs blog.
Just Some Songs blog
Its nothing really, just something that I want to do. I am taking some of the lyrics/songs that over the years really reached out and grabbed my soul for some reason, and simply putting them on a blog, with graphics.
Its a Good Creative Outlet, as mum would say.
. . . and its fun
Well, its fun for me anyways.

I need to start writing more.
I seem to go in spurts, so glad I am not trying to make a living at it, I would be broke.
But its been about 7 months since inspiration struck, and I hope its not dead.
I spent some time yesterday reading over some past writings, wondering if I would have any that I would consider 'good' enough to put on here, and. . .
Not Yet.
Most of it is depressing, and sad.
I dont think that needs to be shared.
My friend Kev, says I should.
He has read some of it and has liked it.
I dont know.
He thinks these blogs are good for me because he knows I like to write and ramble and what-not.
Not sure what I think , but I am having fun playing with them.

Later

One Way of Promoting Traffic Safety

2004-07-20T14:46:00.000-05:00

I could possibly see shooting a warning shot towards a driver for running a red light, but this???

Offbeat News
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
PRAGUE (Reuters) - A Czech police officer took a police campaign to cut traffic accidents a little too far when he shot at a pedestrian who crossed a road on a red light.
The policeman in the western city of Pilsen first fired a warning shot in the air. But when the man refused to return to the pavement, the officer shot at him twice but missed, the online edition of the Czech daily Pravo said.

No one was injured. The police officer faces a criminal investigation.

It's 2:am

2004-07-20T01:19:00.000-05:00

Its 2:am, the fear is gone.
Oh wait,,, that's Twilight Zone by Golden Earring, knew I had heard it somewhere.
Good Song,by the way.
Fits this time of night.
Laying there trying to sleep, and its not gonna happen.
Only had 2 cups of coffee today, that was all the caffeine I had.
And the mind is going into warp drive tonight.
Too much stress and not enough ways to burn it off, I imagine.

I need another creative outlet.
In the winter, its no problem, I am a crochet fanatic and do beautiful work.
However its just too dang hot and humid to try and work with yarns in the summer.
I used to work with graphics a lot on here, in the past, but have not done too much of that lately either.
And I am not about to drag out the oils this time of night or year.
That is another winter pastime

I have a thing about colours and how they work together.
My mum says she has never dreamed in colour whereas I always have.
I didn't know you could dream in black and white.

2 theories on this issue:
1) as she grew up before colour TV, she 'sees' things as she saw them growing up
or
2) everyone dreams in black and white, and some just automatically convert it to colour upon wakening.

Just one of those things to ponder in the dead of night, I guess.

They Only Come Out at Night

2004-07-19T16:29:00.000-05:00

They Only Come Out At Night / Jim Warren

Work Break

2004-07-19T16:20:00.000-05:00

Taking a break from work.
Why is it, that when I am doing dishes or working or what-not, my mind comes up with all these incredible thoughts, ideas, and wonderful things that I think I could do, yet when I actually try to 'do' one of these things, I get lost?

For example:
I have literally over 2000 books.
Novels, Gobs of Novels
Antique books from the family (pre-civil war stuff to childhood books of my parents from the early 1900's)
Bibles and religious novels / readings from various faiths
My childhood books ( I am a packrat, what can I say?)
Textbooks from college
Computer books and publishings
and other misc books that for some reason or another, I felt were important.

Okay......... so I have all these books, in boxes in the garage.
Earlier this summer, as I have a double-wide garage, I came up with the brilliant plan to turn half of it into a library of sorts. I simply do not have room in my house for all these books in any organized manner. Some are stacked on the floor as it is.
Yet each and every time I get out there to work on this project, I am either totally overwhelmed and dont know what to do, or....... like yesterday, I found a book I had not read in a long time and spent most of the afternoon on the porch reading.

This is what kills me,
Here is a collection that I really care about and want to take care of it to pass it on someday to another book lover, or family or whomever, yet I cant seem to make heads or tails of it.

Makes me crazy to even think about it at times.
So what can I do?
(anyone got any asprin?)

Unicorns

Banging head against the monitor

2004-07-18T09:26:00.000-05:00

okay.....
my head hurts.

I have spent the past 2+ hours attempting to not only change my main blog template to one I found on the web, but having to practically reformat the whole dang thing to conform to what I want it to do and I   am    still     having    trouble!!!

why, you ask.... am I giving myself such a headache?
Tis simple, I like unicorns.

Old blog:   http://meanderingmusing3.blogspot.com
to. . .
New blog:http://mymeanderingmusings.blogspot.com

all because of a Unicorn.
and I'm not done yet.

:::Bad Day???:::

2004-07-16T14:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, Im having a bad day.............. a really bad day.
Neighbors are whacko,
the postal system is whacko,
in the news,- - people are whacko and in short...........
I am becoming whacko for the day.

Did a meteor pass thru the solar system or something???
Full Moon???
Canada ran out of RX drugs???

Its been a really bad day.....
I need a Kiefer fix. . . NOW
gonna go put in a movie . . .
if that doesnt work, might have to listen to some Bon Jovi . . .
Somethings gotta give here.

Hurt

2004-07-16T05:48:00.000-05:00

Hurt - Johnny Cash 1932-2003

I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,
The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,
what have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone i know,
goes away in the end,
and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,
I wear this crown of thorns,
upon my liars chair,
full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair,
beneath the stains of time,
the feelings dissapear,
you are someone else,
I am still right here,
What have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone I know,
goes away in the end,
and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,
if I could start again,
a million miles away,
I will keep myself,
I would find a way,
http://www.maninblack.net/

Should the walls come tumbling down?

2004-07-15T09:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I read an interesting blog and it made me think about my own situation some. It was by a gentleman seeking a wife. (Nope, sorry didnt apply for the job) but it really made me think, about where I am,where I am going, and where in the happy hell do I want to end up?
The gentleman who wrote the wife-seeking blog seems to have all his answers and knows exactly what it is that he wants. That is the part that made me start thinking. It was as if you could see a list in his head: this done, this done, this do to ..... all neat and organized and moving onto the next step. Little checkmarks next to the things he has already done. I look at my brain and there isnt that many checkmarks..... a few, but mostly still things mulling around, causing havoc.

See, I am in this self-imposed empty shell right now, and I rarely have contact with people. Actually, I am very hesitant to approach people because it seems as if, no matter what, I end up being misunderstood and hurt. So about 3 years ago, I wrapped myself up in a very thick concrete wall, and its still here.
I learned how to not need anyone. I learned how to simply not answer the phone until it finally stopped ringing. I finally had it disconnected as I didnt use it. I quit 'going out' with my friends. Online friends? I have kept in touch with two. Two out of the dozens I used to have. The two, Kev and Chris, dont agree with my self-imposed walls, but they still love me and understand when I go thru weeks of withdrawl.
So I sit back and wonder why? Why did I do this to myself? Am I ready to get out of it? Am I ready to actually consider going somewhere else other than the grocery store???
And I have no real answers. Sometimes I get very lonely. Thats when I grab a book or watch a movie. I have made it sooooo easy on myself to be alone. I often feel that I am content this way.
Usually.
Lately, I'm finding my own walls harder to maintain.

Day One, cont.

2004-07-14T14:15:00.000-05:00

Actually, I think that in this life, its always Day One cont.

Does the real world understand how difficult it is to simply exist?

Probably not. I didnt. I used to take it all for granted.
I personally was totally scared by George Qrwell's 1984 when I read it so long ago. Thought yeah........ uh huh right.
This is what we are and how we are to be and just continue to follow the yellow line and you will be as we want you to be, without personality.

But dang... someone had to break that line somehow! I mean, WoW!!! I have emotions. I have my own feelings, I care, I laugh and .... gasp! I actually enjoy laughing!
But, the people that I was with at that time,,,, didnt understand. Personality was discouraged.
talk about? oh yes.. lets talk about.... it was about who was better, who was worse, who was doing who, who did who, who didnt do who, who was doing who next? who was leaving who to do who? and let's not forget YOU did WHO????

Ummmm 'scuse me? has anyone ever read a book? or caught that great film last week? Ah no. course not. silly me... what was I thinking?????? Did you even bother to watch the news to see what the real world was doing????
but even worse was " did you even think to simply ask me if I had had, "a nice day?" and MEAN IT????

Guess what. More often than not, I didnt have a nice day.

I didnt fit in.
I didnt laugh at the right time
I spoke at the wrong time
I didnt speak at the right time
When I did speak, it was the wrong thing to say

After a while, I learned.
I learned to keep my opinions to myself
to keep my mouth shut and to NOT FEEL.

If you FEEL, you CARE.
If you CARE, you FEEL.

They do not want that!!!

Day One

2004-07-14T10:34:00.000-05:00

And it starts again.

Why is it, that if one says they are being treated for Depression, people do not know how to react?

Most do not see us "depressies" as actually ill.
We are lazy. We are weak. We are arrogant.

But, I bet they have never had to spend an entire day trying to crawl out of a hole, embedded so deeply into the ground, that there is NOT a light at the top. Its a friggin scarey feeling. You cant breathe, there is simply NOT enough air.

You are laying in the cold dark dampness.... eyes raised up to the sky....
Looking at a tiny pinprick of light.
Now.... you KNOW that the pinprick will grow as you start to climb. You KNOW that once you reach the top of the hole, there is sunshine,warmth,and maybe love.
Maybe people, even tho you have shut off everyone in your life, one of them might still be there, just waiting. . .

So you reach for that tiny pinprick of light.
You start to climb.
You grab at the walls of the self-imposed hole and try to find a niche that will let you grab on.
Your fingers start to feel as if they are digging in concrete. Scratching, clawing, tearing, breaking. . .
and as you do,dirt that surrounds your own personal hell you are in , starts to crumble.
It falls in your face, your eyes, your mouth.
You start to have a hard time breathing. There is not enough air for you......
the dirt starts to fill your eyes. . . your mouth. . . there is NOT ENOUGH AIR !!!!

So on Day One of that climb . . you stop.
you wipe the dirt off your face, rinse your mouth out and try to go back to that wonderful place of sleep
But. . . . . Sleep doesnt come.

Basically? It Bites.